Hunting for Beautiful Men, a Journey Through Time 狩猎美男之古旅 (Volume 1)
Chapter Three: First Time
First time chatting up a guy—In order to enrich my spare time, I’ve laid hands on the first innocent young man.
I’m planning to stay here for a year or so, and if I still can’t find a way back home, then I’ll travel up north towards the royal capital. But what to do in the mean time? There’s no TV or computer in the past, Uncle Liu’s very reticent and uncommunicative, other than fishing together in the morning, the rest of the time he is no where to be seen. When I finally got a few books from Uncle Liu after begging him, it turns out they were all philosophy books about Xuanxue and Wu Xing, I had absolutely no interest in them. Uncle Liu saw me flipping through only a few pages of a book, then stopped reading, so he quickly put them away again.
So it’s decided, I’ll pass my time by finding a boyfriend! The guys here in the village are so simple and honest, they are all probably unmarried virgins, such a rare commodity! It’s not easy to find one in modern times, I’m at such a great advantage here! (Author: What great advantage? You’re a virgin yourself, the most you can say is that you aren’t suffering any losses. )
I’ve hit the mother lode and fell into a pile of virgins, if my girls overseas found out about this they are probably going to be so jealous that they’d invent some sort of spaceship and fly over here. No way, I’m gonna “gobble up” all the good ones before they invent that spaceship, mark my territory and put my labels on these guys. (Labeling them? Do you think they are chemical agents or something? Are you also gonna put down their distinct features and functions?)
I feel like a hungry wolf drooling at a herd of sheep! (Author: Are you really that hungry and desperate? *sigh* Oh well, come on readers, let’s be a little more understanding of the Lead Female Pig, there aren’t a lot of normal people studying lasers, the only reason the mental hospitals haven’t caught on to them is because they’re always hiding in the labs. ) Action speaks louder than imagination, tomorrow, this queen’s going to select herself an excellent man.
After a good night’s sleep, I woke up in the morning to a rainy day. It’s not good for fishing so Uncle Liu and I stayed home. Since I was bored, I took this opportunity to ask Uncle Liu some questions. I wasn’t sure of what Uncle Liu thought of the strange circumstances in which he found me in, but he wouldn’t think I was some sort of fish, back to repay a debt of gratitude would he? (It’s not like you conjured up gold and silver and gave it to him, all you’ve done since you got there was break his things. Wasn’t it you who broke his fishing net?)
Uncle Liu said that the night he found me he was studying the night sky and saw a strange change in the stars, so he went searching in that direction and happened to see me floating in the waters. Then Uncle Liu tole me that everyone has a past that they’d rather not speak of, or is too hard to explain. He won’t ask me about my past and I don’t have to tell him, the truth will reveal itself one day when the need arises. Who would have guessed that Uncle Liu would be so understanding, I’m very lucky to have been found by him. But it seems that Uncle Liu isn’t as simple as he appears to be, he actually knows astrology. However, Uncle Liu didn’t want to continue with this topic anymore, and I knew better than to keep asking. Seeing how the rain had just stopped, I sensibly left the house.
Didn’t I say I was going to select myself an excellent man? I did a once over on all the guys in the village in my head, no one seems to stand out. But there was that guy named Xiao Niu Zi who was kind of interesting, although there’s nothing prominent about his facial features, but I feel like I’ve seen his clear and bright eyes before, and the familiarity felt endearing to me. Also, when he and the other young men from the village came to fix the house, only he looked at me with curiosity. Could it be that he’s secretly in love with me? Then him it is! Easier to lay my hands on him, heheheh, I laughed boorishly. (Don’t you think you’re feeling too good about yourself?)
I gotta think of a beautiful encounter. Damsel in distress? A little cliché, but that goes to show its effectiveness, which is why everyone uses it. Ok, it’s decided then, I will faint and fall in front of his house!
When I got to the front of his house, I shook my handkerchief and threw myself in front of his door, letting out the most feminine “Oh no!” I could do. (Are you ducking a detonated land mine? What’s with all the noise!?) Then I immediately saw a person coming out of the yard to help me up. “Miss Ou Yuan, what’s wrong?”
I weakly said, “I suddenly felt dizzy.” I looked up, pretending to look weak and frail, but after I looked up I immediately changed and asked angrily, “What are you doing here, Xiao Hu Zi?”
He stood surprised for a moment, a warm glow crept into his cheeks. “I’ve only just gotten back home.”
Who cares if you’ve just gotten back home or not, I fainted in front of the wrong house! I quickly got up and cleaned the soil off of my clothes. I got all dirty for nothing. And it seems that I can’t keep pretending to be all sickly and fragile either. “I came looking for Xiao Niu Zi, his house is the one on the ….”
“The second house in front.” Hearing the displeasure in my tone, Xiao Hu Zi was afraid to anger me again, even though he couldn’t figure out what made me suddenly so angry in the first place.
I used to look down on those frivolous men that go around trying to pick up girls, but now that it’s my turn to pick someone up, I’ve realized how much thought and effort they put into their game, as well as how courageous they were. This was no easier than when Little Dong Cun Ri blew up the enemy bunker. He died after the bomb exploded and destroyed the bunker, but I have to wait for a reply from the other person. How anxiety inducing is this, this is probably as bad as waiting to have my head cut off and be executed. (Have you ever been executed before? You’re saying as if you’ve been through it before.) So from the bottom of my heart, I feel a sense of admiration for the fearlessness and lofty sentiments of those pickup artists. (Author: Do you have a screw loose somewhere? That’s called having a thick skin. Also, no one is as nervous and neurotic as you, who thinks about things that much before chatting someone up? Those guys approach beautiful girls out of male instincts. Lead Female Pig: I’m trying to appreciate the true essence of chatting a person up, go bother someone else. Author: You’ve got endocrine disorders, you are acting crazy. Lead Female Pig: If you knew that I’ve got endocrine disorders then why didn’t you let me bring some meds? What good is the artificial hymen for? Author: >_<)
While my head was still up in the clouds I heard, “Miss Ou, how come you are here? Were you looking for me?”
I was startled by the sudden appearance of Xiao Niu Zi and blurted out, “I came to woo you.” =_=|||
“….” He had no idea what I was talking about.
“I came especially to thank you for helping me build my house.” Being able to lie on cue was a skill that I’ve developed over many years.
I explained then immediately tried to squeeze inside his house, but he seems to have casually blocked my way, and with a slight frown, told me that, “We are all neighbours here, no need to be so polite.”
It felt a little awkward to have a figurative door shut in my face, but then I thought that perhaps it was not of proper manners for a man and a woman to be alone in a room, so he took that into account and was hesitant.
“I feel dizzy, can I go in your house to rest for a while and have some water?”
Xiao Niu Zi hesitated for a moment, then replied, “Miss Ou, if you don’t mind then please come in.” He moved out of the way and let me into his house.
I don’t want to be caught molesting a man in broad daylight, it’s much safer to do it in the comfort of a house. (What kind of filthy things are there inside your head? Studying abroad has made you more and more indecent.)
His house was plainly furnished with simple daily necessities, but they looked slightly new. I casually asked him, “Xiao Niu Zi, you’ve lived here for a long time right?”
A slight look of alarm flashed across his face, but he answered plainly and said, “It’s not really that long.” Then went off to make me some tea.
This whole seduction thing is really hard, why didn’t I realize it before? I have to lay a trap out for someone without them noticing, and then get them to like, or even to fall in love with me. This requires much more practical experience than my many years of experiments. Okay, I’ll make Xiao Niu Zi my first target.
But after chatting with him for a while I could no longer stand it. If I ask him with one sentence he answered with one sentence, if he can use one word he will never use two, and his gaze was on the tea bowl in my hands the entire time. Even if back in the old days men aren’t supposed to have direct eye contact with unwed women, he could have looked elsewhere, why keep on staring at the tea bowl, was he just waiting for me to finish my drink and leave? Wasn’t he secretly in love with me? Did I guess wrong? Was I imagining his love for me? Oh, the embarrassment!
But the harder he was to get, the more fired up I became. I’ve decided to explore this question with a scientific spirit and get down to brass tacks, you aren’t getting rid of me that easily. (Author: What did he ever do to you? All he did was look at you a few more times when he was fixing the house, and was a little less hospitable towards you today, and you’ve decided to sink your teeth into him and never let go. Lead Female Pig: Did you forget that I’m a “sea turtle” returning from overseas? Sinking my teeth into things and never letting go is my animal instinct.)
My first attempt was not victorious, but I’ll wait and slowly torment him later. But I’ve got to give myself a reason to come back again before I leave. “Xiao Niu Zi, is there a doctor in the village? My eyes can’t see clearly, I want to go and see a doctor.”
“Uncle Liu knows about medicine.”
=_=||| My pick up attempt fail.
“Uncle Liu has never mentioned it to me before. Also, ever since I arrived, I’ve done nothing but trouble him.” I said while pretending to lower my head in immense guilt. How am I going to come up with an excuse to come back and find him later, I’m desperate here!
“Let Uncle Liu write you a prescription for treating your eyes, and I’ll go to the mountains to gather the medicinal herbs instead of him.”
^_^ Yes, there is still hope! Hook, line, and sinker! Report: The land mine has been hidden and buried, now preparing to retreat.
“Xiao Niu Zi, I really don’t know how to thank you! When I get better, I’ll make you something and let you taste my cooking.”
“There’s no need to be so polite.” Huh? He’s politely declining. Had my third-rate cooking skills already earned themselves a reputation?
“Then I’ll bring Uncle Liu’s prescription over to you tomorrow.”
“Okay.” He stood up, as if gesturing me to leave.
And with that, my first battle came to an end with unknown outcomes.
Please read footnote 3 if even if you might not want to read the rest, it has some pretty important information in my opinion.
The third chapter is up! I’ve had a lot of fun writing this, took some more creative liberties with the wording of certain parts, hoping that if would flow more like an original piece and less like a translated novel. That’s something I strive for in all of my works, but at times that’s not very possible.
Oh, and let me just say my blog might have an alarming number of search results when you search for “sexual predator”, “molest” and other =__= words …. Oh well
As always, please like, comment, and follow if you’ve enjoyed reading!~ Ciao! ❤
1 Xuanxue 玄学 and Wu Xing 五行 areas of study in Chinese philosophy, also called Neo-Daoism and The Five Elements. Read about them here —>LINK and here —>LINK.↩
2 There was originally a play on words here using the word 秀女 xiù nǚ, literally “excellent girls” which are girls of age and good upbringing during the Qing Dynasty that were sent to the palace to be selected and given a chance to stay in the palace. The author wrote 秀男 xiù nán, so it was a play on words.↩
3 His name is 小牛子 xiǎo niú zi, or maverick, no no, not Tom Cruise’s Maverick, I mean an unbranded calf.牛 means a lot of animals in the bovine family, since he’s a guy I went with calf because it’s a 小牛, also because cow is female, ox is castrated and bull sounds stupid. 小 means little, and often put in front of a nickname to make it more endearing and cute sounding, or when the person is young, 子 means son or just a common ending to a nickname. Interestingly, the 小____子 format is used in Qing Dynasty dramas and c-novels to name eunuchs, which was pretty funny to me since the author named a LOT of her male leads in this format. When this happens, I’ll just point it out by saying, “He has a eunuch name” xD eunuch, not unique!↩
4 His name is 小虎子 xiǎo hǔ zi, or little tiger cub, since 虎 means tiger.To find out what 小 and 子 means read footnote 3. Also, he has a eunuch name.↩
5 Here, the author made reference to a fictional person from one of the Four Great Classic Novels in China, Dream of the Red Chamber, my all time favourite novel—>LINK. The character’s name is 林黛玉 lín dài yù, who was known to be a beautiful yet sickly girl. Her character had such an influence on Chinese literature and pop culture that her name became synonymous with being sickly and frail. But I’ve decided to remove the reference since not everyone knows about her and not everyone is willing to read my long footnotes. If you want to check out Dream of the Red Chamber TV series, I recommend the 1987 version, the new one didn’t capture the essence of a lot of the characters in my opinion.↩
6 The author made a historical reference to an extremely well known Chinese martyr named 董存瑞 or dǒng cún ruì who was a Chinese Communist soldier in the army, he used his body to hold up the explosives while blowing up a Kuomintang bunker when there was no place to put the bomb. He died at 19. Read about him here —>LINK The author referred to him cutely as 小董 or Little Dong, read about 小 in footnote 3.↩
7 The main character doesn’t actually have endocrine disorders, it’s generally used to mock someone who’s acting weird, crazy and/or unreasonable.↩
8 There was a play on words here, the main character Ou Yuan is what we would call a 海归 hǎi guī, or overseas returnee, which is someone who returns to their home country after immigrating or studying abroad. It happens to have the exact same sound as 海龟 hǎi guī, or sea turtles. So the internet cleverly substituted one term for the other and therefore the joke.↩